“Every man needs his Siren
To check his courage and strength
When he hears her song
In his travels through the unknown.”
― Dejan Stojanovic
I knew when she called me that something was wrong. She needed my help and I was more than willing to jump in. I knew in the back of my mind that I wasn’t ready, that it would just lead to more pain and heartache, that in the end I would be the one in need of help and nowhere to go, but for her I was ready to give up everything once again. To burn the house down and any bridges built and crossed along the way.
Isn’t this what I had been asking for, praying for? An opportunity, even the slimmest of chances to try to reestablish a connection. My actions made no sense and reason tried to hold me back, pulling me into reality instead of the fantasies of hope that would be shattered along the rocky shore.
At first, it was a a dip of the toe into the unknown waters that lay before me, then a step up to my ankles and before I knew it I was in the deep end trying to stay afloat. I could still see the shoreline behind me, I could turn back there was still a chance to back down. Safety lay within sight behind me and ahead of me was just the unknown of open water with the brief glimmer of hope in my heart that a better place lay ahead. The siren’s call was too strong, the pull of hope and dreams too strong to resist.
Was this the faith of the devout, even when every cell in their body tells them to resist the idea of the call of Heaven of Paradise too strong to resist. That that shimmering, glimmer of salvation too tempting too real to resist.
Letting go of reason, letting go of the sanity of the sanctuary I had built I plunged ahead into the open water. Diving deep with eyes closed, swimming with all the strength that I had to give, without thought I drove ahead letting my strokes and the current take me to the promises of a paradise. I ran out of breath, out of strength I returned to the surface only to realize I had no idea where I was.
Panic overtook me as around me was only emptiness, the promised land, the paradise that she had promised was nowhere in sight. Exhausted I float on the surface, alone. My strength is gone, my hope is gone and reason returns too late.
Originally posted 2017-01-17 05:33:39.