Not a Goodbye but a “Pause”

Even though I’ve been much out of practice I’ve rediscovered my love for analog writing. I purchased some fountain pens and nice paper and have spent much of my free time writing and just letting my hand do whatever it wants. Even though my penmanship is poor, the flow of ink to paper is a wonderful sight.

One of the reasons why I started writing again was to have a series of letters to a certain someone, a someone that I loved, love and will continue to love even though it will most likely never work out. It is a one sided love and full of all of the agonies that unrequited love tends to bring.

I wrote a journal for her daily, mainly because the things that I wrote were things better left unsaid at the time. I’ve since given her the journal and transcribed everything electronically for my own keeping. Today’s prompt made me wonder if I should share some of those musings and insane blabberings, but still too much of a fresh wound to post my own thoughts.

Instead I dug up a letter from over five years ago. Someone else writing to me almost exactly what I wrote and thought about this love. The pain, suffering and yearning along with the idea of saying goodbye and waiting. I realize that karma is a mean old bugger, but we all suffer in our own ways.

I guess I knew all along but still tried to love you the best way I could, even if it was for a short while. Things didn’t turn out so well. But I know that I’ve never tried this hard with anything else. And maybe I could never put this much passion into anything b/c I’m afraid of getting hurt.

The two loves in my life are you and my son. And I see now that I can’t bring both of you together into my life, or at least not he way I’d like. So does that mean I must say goodbye to one of you? I think I was even willing to give up my own flesh and blood (son) for you. Which scares me because…. as you’ve always liked the passion I had (have) for you, you’ve also felt burdened by it in your own way.

The person I knew and grew to love is somewhere buried deep inside you or left behind in the past. I’ll never see that side of you ever again. I know that now. And yet I don’t care. I don’t really care if you’ve changed, I think I’ll love you no matter what. Or I might be wrong. If I am, then I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m just blabbering, then.

What hurts the most is that both you and I know that I’m not what you’re looking for. It seems I’m not right for you. Or that no matter how much I love you the other aspects of my personality seem to ruin what could be the perfect gf/?. It’s really hard to change that about me, right? If I left all the crazy behind, I could be right for you? Maybe the crazy is part of the package. And due to that, you’re just not that interested and would like to keep your distance. It’s kind of hard to watch, you know me, I’m “stubborn”. The first things I want to do is to ‘pursue’ you. But I know that will drive you away even more.

I guess I came to see you for my own personal reasons, for closure. I’ts so weird, I look at you and somehow pray (I don’t know to whom) that you’ll see me, past all the crazy, past the tears, past the angry outbursts, and just see ME. I shouldn’t show you. Or maybe you shouldn’t see because it’s too late now, no? I guess… it doesn’t matter anymore. Talking, chatting, and spending time made me realize how foolsihg I have been to continuously harbor feelings for you. It was my choice and although it was a mistake to not let you go I had cherished the memory of you. Unlike you, you’ve moved on and had a good chance to find happiness. I made a mistake by giving up on love and settling for companionship. Out of that, I got a gift that I don’t deserve: a wonderful son. Being tired all day; having to live in poverty, and being disappointed with him have taken the energy and fire I had to try to have a better life. So now I just cruise through life being hopeful or just another lazy dumbass. Gosh, how my attention span and IQ have dropped throughout the years!

You’ll always hold a very dear and special place in my heart. I never got the “what if” I really wanted, but I got to spend precious time with you and close all the wounds I had. I’m finally cured of the pian that lingered. I guess love really does cure all wounds. There is just one pain I’ll experience, and that’s the one of having to leave with my own two feet. But this time I can hope that one day I can be with you again, and grow old together.

Coz last time we parted, I thought I had lost you forever. So this time might not be good-bye, but a “pause”. And since we can’t hit “replay”, this might be as good as it gets. I love you, B. I have and always will. Thank you so very much for helping me out. I’m also very sorry you had to see me like this. I hope you can look past my situation and remember me as somoene who looks up to you, adores you and as someone who has never stopped loving you.

I hope you find happiness. I hope you live a long and healthy life. I hope you decide to keep Saja coz you two need each other and you two can take care of each other. He is a lot like me. Maybe, if you don’t mind, you can keep a little piece of me this way. Like I said, if I was ever to let Saja go becaise I couldn’t take care of him, that I’d rather have you be the one to take care of him. That dog has saved my life. I hope he can be a good comapnion to you too.

Please take care of yourself. I worry. This is not a good-bye, but a “pause” I love you; I love you; I love you; (There aren’t enough band-aids to write these words on); I love you.


X and I have tried to stay in touch to be friends, but sometimes old emotions don’t die.




Originally posted 2017-01-10 16:45:38.

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