I’ve been with my dog or better yet my dog has been with me eight or nine years. Maybe it’s a time and date I should have kept better track of as I can’t even accurately recall his age. For many years I took him for granted. He was simply always there for me even though I didn’t realize it.
Now as time catches up to him I’m not really sure how to approach the situation. What do you do when the best of days are only marginally better than the worst of days? Coming home everyday I wonder if he will still be alive when I walk in through the door and part of me wishes that he would have left peacefully.
I love my dog, but I’ve loved many things and people in my life. The biggest difference is that my dog loved me unconditionally and was forever loyal. It is something that separates him from friends, family and lovers. He accepted me for who I was and am faults and all.
It’s been five weeks since I wrote that. Has it felt longer or shorter I can’t really tell. Well today was the day. I came home and my dog was no longer there. The past few days with him had been a living hell for me, but I know that for him it was so much worse. I regret not letting him go earlier and I’m grateful that he didn’t leave me a choice.
I had put in an appointment to take him in to the vet to put him to sleep, but he fell asleep without my help.
The past five weeks he had been wasting away and for the first four he was still drinking and eating so I made up the excuse that he still wanted to live. A few days ago it was different. All of a sudden he had no interest in food or water and all he did was sleep and cry. I knew it was time, but I just wanted one more day to have a chance for improvement, for one good day in a myriad of bad.
I did spend the weekend with him, laying by his side and for brief moments it brought him some respite, the pain didn’t seem to bother him so much.
It’s always in hindsight where we wish that we did something differently or more. I know that I should have been brave enough to let him go earlier to relieve him of his pain and suffering. As I said the good days were long behind, the mediocre days with pleasant moments were unrecognizable and there were only bad days and worse days, but I still loved coming home and just feeling the warmth of his skin as I lay my hand on him.
Enough of that I guess. For now, just best to have a drink and say my goodbyes. To the best dog and the greatest gift I’ve ever received. I’m a bastard and an asshole more often than not, but Saja loved me nonetheless and was always there for me. I will miss all the good and the bad knowing that he loved me regardless.